我的要求并不多。要哄我开心，很容易。

Just don't let me down when I need you the most.

---

Went to SIM today. Double major in Communications and Psychology. Here's hoping I make it through.

Special thanks to Meng Yee and her boyfriend for taking the time to accompany me. Though I have to say - awkwaaard. Plus I go completely out of character when I'm nervous, which I was. Terribly. Sure, there isn't much to be afraid of, I mean technically this is just the easy part, but. My father told me before that he knew I couldn't adapt very well to change. It's true. As such, I am extremely uncomfortable when I'm thrown in a new environment.

Anyway. That's enough of that.

Someone's noticed that I don't put photos in here. That's because it's too troublesome. Too bad.

One more thing!

On the train from Serangoon heading to Paya Lebar, some guy on my left suddenly calls my name. First thought - oh, fuck, who is it that I know now? Omg this is so not a good time...

Because, you know. Not that I bump into a lot of people from my past. Nor that I hate seeing people I used to know. It's just... weird. And I was feeling a little shitty, with that huge bag of library books and another huge bag filled with papers and other things, and my phone and iPod both running out of battery, and that horribly awkward meeting with Meng Yee and then lunch afterward with them.

Yeah.

Anyway. Second thought? Guy in NS uniform? Who do I know who's serving right now, gets a night's out on a Wednesday, and hangs around that area?" Very slim chance of actually bumping into people I know way over at Serangoon, since most of my life revolves around a 2-MRT-station radius. (That's up to Pasir Ris, up to Bedok, and up to Changi Airport. I have no life.)

Then the face came into focus. And damn my horrible memory, but I couldn't recognize him for the life of me. I sort of remembered that name, and that face, but holy hell, I'm not good at reacting to things on the spot. Slow thinking, fine, I admit it.

I'm terrible ashamed of myself, though. Because my reaction really wasn't very good.

Ansel: You're Nicole right?
Me: Yes.
Ansel: From Changkat? Class 6B?
Me: Yes.
Ansel: Oh, I just thought you looked familiar, haha.
Me: (slightly puzzled grin)
Ansel: You know who I am?
Me: (sheepish smile) No.
Ansel: I'm Ansel, I was from 6A. You remember me?
Me: (sheepish smile) No.
Ansel: Haha. (awkward pause) You still staying in Simei?
Me: Yes.
(Me looks away.)

Like fuuuuccckkk. If you're reading this, dude, which I very much doubt, I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I could come up with quite a lot of excuses, but I'm just not going to. Thousand apologies for acting aloof. It was nice seeing you, and I mean it.

Though come to think of it, I was kinda amazed. How do people remember me? I hardly spoke to him, if ever, and for hell's sake, we were only in neighboring classes! Fine, 6A and 6B were really close, we used to run around to each other's classrooms and all, but what. The. Hell. And besides, has my face really not changed that much at all? After all these years?

I don't know whether to be pleased or miffed.

Sigh. Anyway, what's done is done. All I can - and did - do is apologize to him and add him on Facebook. I'll apologize to him directly when I get that friend request accepted. Yes it really bothers me that I was that much of an arse to him. I really hate being misunderstood.

---

Okay. Now it's time for another emo teenage girl rant.

Beginning of the post. It's true, it really is quite easy to make me happy. (Oh my god, I never thought I'd call myself easy.) Usually when people go out of their way to accommodate or help me, even if it's just a small matter, I get all apologetic and thankful. And I really do feel that way.

Like when I asked my colleague to help me photocopy my certs using the equipment at the bookshop (sorry, boss!), she removed her hp charger and stuck in the plug for the machine without hesitation. She even dug up enough blank paper and did it all personally.

Or when I found out Meng Yee specially canceled her plans for lunch with another friend just to take me to the Admin Office and then eat with me. Even her boyfriend was dragged over, which on hindsight I guess worked pretty well in her favour since it would've been really weird had it been just us two. No need for both of us to be uncomfortable.

Or when my colleague just snatched up the vouchers for the Korean language class we both signed up for and told me she'd go to Simei to register for me the next day when she realized I was bloody frazzled and horribly pressed for time. Just to put things in context, she has to pay 30 bucks for me first for the textbook since I didn't have enough cash to pay for the SIM application, top up my ezlink card, have lunch, pay for photocopying my IC and other crap, and survive for the next few days until my pay comes in. And she lives in Hougang (or something). And tomorrow's her day off. And she has to take a taxi back and forth just so she'll be able to make it for her night class in the evening.

Man I feel even more horrible now.

Back to the point. I truly hate inconveniencing people, or making them change their plans, or getting them to do me a favour. Because let's face it, I'm melodramatic when my problems are really all just trivial matters. Not really worth other people making the time or effort for me. But they do it sometimes, and I get very happy, because it does show that they think I matter enough for them to treat as a good friend, and that not all people are selfish, lazy, irresponsible, unkind assholes.

(Does that feel like I'm aiming it at someone specific? Because I am.)

Off topic again. Yes. All that.

But. When people do all those kind, caring stuff. And then they make it a point to especially bring it up to me. And then they give me that expectant look.

You know how that feels, on the receiving end? It feels like they're doing it just so I'll start thanking them profusely. It feels like they're doing it just so they come out looking like the bigger person. It feels like they're telling me, with that stupid, stupid look, that they know they don't actually have to be nice to me, but they are because they're just that magnanimous and kind, and shouldn't I be practically on my knees in front of them for being treated like a good friend?

It feels condescending, is how it feels. Like I'm utterly beneath your notice, but you're just breaking all the rules of society by being nice to a lesser being. Oh, my saviour, my lord, oh kind human being that you are, your lowly servant thanks you for your bravery to defy the social caste and actually condescend to notice me. I am eternally in your debt.

Good enough for you, motherfucker?

Yeah. Moral of the story? Don't fake. Please. If you don't want to do it, don't. It won't help your karma scale if you're gonna do it with that condescending attitude. No need to waste your energy.

---

Another part of the beginning of this post.

I do feel kinda let down by a few people in my life. No, not you, JC people. I'm sorry if you're getting irritated at me for adopting that self-deprecating attitude. I mean other people.

No names mentioned, but really. Sometimes I really don't know which is worse.

I mean, we've all heard of fairweather friends. The kind who are only by your side when times are good, and then split when you're wading in shit. But there's another kind, I've discovered, that actually describes the majority of the people I'm surrounded by. The kind who are only by your side when they need you, and then when their life is hella good it's all Nicole who?

Point. This guy from a shop near one of our branches, I know from my other colleagues. In the beginning we'd take the train back together because we both have no one to walk home with. A few weeks later he starts looking me up more often, asking me to hang with him after work so he can pour his heart out to someone. I don't mind listening, so it's no skin off my bones.

A few weeks of listening to him moan about his girlfriend (some of the stuff was pretty gross, by the way, and very much something I shouldn't be knowing about) who dumped him for another guy, and I start avoiding him. Because he was honestly getting on my nerves. I won't go into detail because there's always a chance I'll get found out and then killed for it, but he was being obstinately blind and foolish. There's only so much I can do if you refuse to drag yourself out of the pits.

Now? He prolly can't even remember my name anymore. Last I heard, his girl got dumped by that other guy. I can only assume they're back together again, because I've had zero news of him. So yeah, thanks for using me as a way to waste your time, asshole. Though I really shouldn't be throwing stones, since I erased his contact number from my phone and never accepted his friend request on FB in the first place. But still.

It can get confusing though. Sometimes I don't know whether to pass that kind of thing off as a they just don't have that much time for me anymore, they have other obligations situation, or as a they only used me to pass their time because there was nothing else for them to do gig. How do you tell?

He hasn't been the only one to pull this sort of shit with me. And I'm tired of it, but that's the kind of people I have in my life, so what can I do? Grin and bear it.

---

Last thing before I succumb to my wonderful bed. Soon as I can manage it, I'm moving out. I can't stand all the shit at home anymore. Everyday I come home from work and I hate stepping in that door. I can't stand my sister or my mother, and it's so far gone now that even my father and brother aren't enough to make me change my mind. Some people are able to accept the bad that comes with the good. I'm not one of them. Call me weak-willed, call me a wuss, whatever. Some things, like my privacy being invaded, I just can't stand for. I grew up being an intensely private person with a very strong sense of possession and personal space, for whatever reason, and they just can't seem to comprehend that.

For future reference, I can't tolerate people peeking into my notebooks, or look over my shoulder at my laptop and handphone screen. I can't tolerate people sneaking into the room when I'm asleep, or secretly hiding a key to my room when I very clearly lock the door for a reason. I can't tolerate people cutting in and taking over a task I'm in the middle of doing, or staring critically over my shoulder while I work and then comment on every other action I make. I can't, I won't, and I just don't.

The last part, that probably came from my writing moments. Writers usually don't like or intend for people to peek in on their works-in-progress, and with good reason. It's the same reason why there are editors and proofreaders and betas, which is also the answer as to why people only publish books that are completed. How do you get a proper reaction if everyone oversaw everything you had to go through to make things perfect? All they would be able to see would be their personal opinions on which part you shouldn't have changed, which part you should have refined, which part you should've left in the story, all this and all that. It's a terrible feeling. Which is why I sort of do understand Stephenie Meyer's reaction when the draft for Edward's side of things got leaked.

Alright. I'm done now. In short, this off day was the weirdest ever, I hate hypocrites, and I'm moving out as soon as I possibly can.

Goodnight.

WHAT UP

It's CNY and it's very early.

You can tell everyone's not used to it because even the malls don't have enough time to change decos from Christmas to New Year. Not all, obviously, some places are pretty much on top of things, but yes. There are some.

Other things.

Sharon from my workplace got me into this YouTube channel nigahiga. Basically this really fast-talking dude with ADHD and an awesome sense of humour. And then I discovered YTF. Which brought me to Ryan Higa's BFFs D-trix, Victor Kim, KevJumba, and Chester See.

And they are sick.

Chain effects give me headaches. Because this is where stuff gets a little bit complex.

Starting with KevJumba. He featured in the Nice Guys music videos (they had one for each channel, hot damn) alongside Ryan and Chester, which brought me to check out his other videos, which made me fall crazily in love with him. Because he's not that hot or talented, but hell, his vids were great. (And he's an ELF!!)

D-trix caught my attention 'cause he was in Christmas Swag with Ryan (whose version of that video is here). Then I checked out his other vids, which also made me fall crazily in love with him. Too bad he apparently has a girlfriend.

And then I got all curious about the guy with a lip ring. I saw him on Ryan's rant on dancing towards the end of the vid, and a few other videos here and there. So Victor became another one of my simultaneous crushes. I went into his channel and found a Mraz likeness in him. Y'know, if there's such a term. And oh my god, he did this cover of Adele's Someone Like You with Andy Lange (who's Scottish and pwns video-making), and it's incredible.

Chester See. Oh my god. I first saw him on Nice Guys, then checked out this weird-sounding Impersonations video. And then... yup. Another huge crush. Because his voice is awesome. He did a cover of Katy Perry's The One that Got Away and an original (God Damn You're Beautiful). Instant fangirl. The only reason he's not world famous is because he refuses to take up singing as a career. Says it's just having fun with his friends.

Easy part's done.

At this point I was only aware that YTF was mad good at singing and general entertainment. Then I started noticing the dancing...

Victor Kim and D-trix. DAMN. I checked out Wikipedia and various other sources, and realized they both tried for So You Think You Can Dance. And I got all "where's their audition clips!?!?!?!?!?!?" and started digging. The first vid I got was for D-trix and this guy Hok. I remember Hok 'cause I saw his audition on one of the rare moments I was actually watching telly. And then a while into the season, I saw that part where they found out about his student visa, too. So yeah. And from there YouTube had a sidebar of related vids, which brought me to Victor's audition.

ASSHOLES CAN FUCKING DANCE.

Yup. I've been Like-ing a whole slew of vids featuring D-trix and Victor. Mostly D-trix.

And you know what's insane? He got together with SYTYCD winner (well, one of the seasons, somewhere) Lauren. The perfs they got to work together on were amazing, and it took me a while, but I also realized that she actually appeared in quite a few of his funny vids on YouTube.

What the hell.

Also. I got interested in Quest Crew through D-trix and Vic. So I checked them out. And I realized they actually danced in LMFAO's Sexy and I Know It as well as Party Rock Anthem.

Which brought me to America's Best Dance Crew. Which got me addicted.

Because they dope.

Oh my god I have got to stop posing.

First post of 2012

because I just really believe in things like that.

No really. I do.

Aside from the fact that no one believes me...

...yeah. I got nothing.

---

Alright so I suppose I do have something to say. Because otherwise this post would be a total waste. And how would that reflect on the rest of this year, huh?

(Because I just really believe in things like that.)

Resolutions. Yes plural. You're not blind. Trust me.

(Don't.)

Hmm. Firstly, to be less zhuai. Is that how you spell it?

It'll get a bit messy, so. Colleague A told me that when she was working with colleague B, B told her that when I first started in the job, they got the impression that I was very zhuai (is that how you spell it??). That means arrogant. Right? Whatever.

B elaborated that I only answered what was asked. Didn't speak much, nearly comatose in terms of responsiveness. Alright, so I'm using my own words. She didn't say that last part. Swear. But yeah. As if I were living in my own world. That's in the words of A. I think.

So. Resolution one. To pay more attention to the rest of the world. I suppose, they assumed I looked down on them at the beginning. Looked down on the job. I didn't. I'm just shy that way. But I'll admit, I do shut out a lot of things a lot of the time. Hence! Less of that this year. I hope.

Two. If ultimately unsuccessful, to at least try my best to go back to school. Because I do miss studying, no matter how much of a relief it is without that kind of stress.

And I'll say no more on that.

C. I'd like to be more active in terms of community service. You know, donate blood, donate money, volunteer at community events, that sorta stuff. I don't mean fill every second of my free time tryna be a saint, I just want to have maybe two or three such memories to look back on. Be proud that I did what I should always have been doing. And hopefully this will become a habit that perseveres as time goes by.

Next, to really work on my writing. All said and done, it is the one thing I've clung to my whole life (other than reading) that seems to offer me some sort of satisfaction. I let my emotions lead me in this area - funny stuff when I'm high, depressing/contemplative pieces when I'm particularly vexed or upset, impulsive blog posts and fb statuses and tweets as well as incessant cussing when I'm angry and without an outlet. It works alright for me, but I do wish for some control, and yeah, it hurts people, sometimes, what I write.

I hate that. No matter what I say.

Besides, having something I can actually concentrate on for hours, that's something. I've grown a few more gray hairs from all the worrying. It settles me. Those dry spells I have, I always feel like I'm killing myself by inches.

Five. Find a boyfriend.

I kid you. Very much. And myself, too, for that matter. No one wants me. (~ forever alone ~~~)

Find a way to help me open up is what I meant. Because I recognize that I've been holding too much back. Dec 31, I spent midnight in a toilet cubicle at a karaoke lounge (lord that sounds so suggestive ugh) staring at the floor and crying. Not... wailing, or sobbing, or anything, just a few tears, blah blah blah, end sentence.

Man if I really believed that what happens in the first few moments of the year sets a precedent for the rest of the 3 hundred plus plus days, I'm fucking screwed. Good thing I believe that time is just a measure invented by Man. It is not a absolute. Hot damn I sound so philosophical.

(Loser!)

Anyway. I fell asleep trying not to sob out loud while biting and scratching my arm. Yes everything just kinda built up and then it exploded. Not fun, kiddies, or hygienic, so don't try this at home (without parental supervision and all that shit because yeah, sure, parents will definitely let you do that. Especially when they're watching).

It'll help if I actually tried to reconnect with my own friends.

Ooh, lookit, self reflection. I'm impressed. Very good, brain.

Lastly. (I think. It's getting a bit long, no?) Learn to say no.

Scenario I
Boss: I don't have enough people, all the part-timers also cannot make it this day and that day, how?
Me: Harh really ah.
Boss: You need to take off day this week anot?
Me: Er.
Boss: Okay I see how first. If really cannot then you don't take off this week again lah can. Okay I have to go liao. Bye bye.


Scenario II
Colleague X (and, speaking of you, dammit, fuck off, cunt): Nicole buy me this can buy for me leh. You never give me Christmas present one buy for me buy for me please.
Me: -silence-
~Later~
X: Eeeeeeyerrrr Nicole buy for me lah buy for meeee. Please can please can pleeeaaassseee. Treat as my Christmas present lah Nicole pleeeaaassseee.
Me: Ugh.
~Another later~
X: Niiiiicooooollllleeeee you never give me Christmas present buy for me lah buy for me pppllleeeaaassseee. I give you that very pretty necklace that day leh Nicole buy lah buy lah pppppppllllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee.
Me: -disgusted snort- -heavy sigh- -bangs head on table-
~silence.~
Me: OMIGOD! Why that guy so shuai so nice but his girlfriend so bitch so ugly one walao why the good guys always either taken or got eye problem etc. etc. etc.


(That was how I suffered through the first of January.)


(My God, if the first day really sets a precedent for the rest of the year, I might as well just step onto the middle of the highway right now. Messier, but less misery involved.)


(Oh yeah! I am in misery; your silence is slowly killing me - oh yeah!)


(I'll shut up.)


Scenario III
Random person: Just say it. It's a very simple word. N-O. Two letters, one word. Shortest sentence in the world. Come on, you can do it. Follow me. N. O. NO. Now you say it.
Me: ...
Random person: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! @$%#@^#!#%*&#$^*#@$


Scenario IV
Creep: Hey wanna shag?


Scenario V
Email: YOU'VE WON!


Scenario VI
Kyuhyun: Will you marry me?

Okay so the last four is bullshit. (I love saying that word aloud. It's got an attitude all on its own. Bullshit. Aaahh, the satisfaction.) Really, though, I should learn.

(VI, though, now that, I would never say that one teensy word to, not even if you threatened to stab me fifty million times for saying YES.)

(Besides, I'd just circumvent that. "I said HELL YES! I didn't say YES! OH MY GOD STOP STABBING ME!!")

Because, even though I take your insults and indignations without a sound; even though I smile and pretend to believe the good things you say; even though I stare at the mirror every day and wonder why I'm still fucking here; I want to feel like I deserve so much more.

---

So here's to 2012, guys. And here's hoping we can make ourselves believe we'll come out a better person in the end.